No Hesitation

I won't hesitate
If you look back, you can see that
Although I run, I move, I shake
I never hesitate
Though I want to, at least once a day

I once held a picture
Of a girl who lived in a trailer
Her dad was dying of Vietnam
Her mom was sleeping, crypt keeping
The girl got out, it was the mid-80s
She went to college, she disappeared
But I held her picture for a moment
I dropped it silently
In a shoe box I can't recall the color of
Never seen her since
I tell this story
Not to boast, not to explain
I tell this story because it never comes out the same

Four years later (always later)
I drove from Brea to Bakersfield
I rode up hills and found the long driveway
Took a blonde girl to a horror movie
I don't know why
But I want to lie
And say we listened to her favorite albums
"Strangeways, Here We Come"
"Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me"
Instead
As the misty gummy sky
Couldn't stop her from giving me directions home
We heard Edie Brickell and it didn't matter
I never saw her since
Though when she caught my eye
In the mall video arcade
It was like she was telling me
That the movie saved her life
(her friend had died the previous summer,
killed himself in his sleep)
But I didn't pretend
Anything saved anyone
And I tell this story
Not for sympathy, not for symmetry
But for preservation

18 years later (much much later)
I sat in this very spot
Talking up my movie plot
To a stranger signaling her neutrality
I listened to her as well (I think)
Her father died too
She'd been to the desert
That all happened
We nodded as we said goodbye
And considered a second date
I've seen her since
One time
Across the street
By accident

It's a sign
This determined lack of hesitation
This jumping into a life
I've learned
The closest I can get
To peace, to stillness
Is in the water
I should have been baptized
Even if I didn't believe
It would have felt like love

I took her to the water
The water's all I want

Did I really just say
"It's a sign"?
I've never mentioned signs before
All I say is everything else
All I want is to look into eyes
That look into mine
All I want to do is see the movement
And return to stillness
Of those eyes

I can't explain
In words because words
Are moving trains
I say this with no hesitation:
You've got to move even if you're shaking

May 2, 2007